Dog Day Afternoon
by nitrolead
Summary: In front of her was a small, pathetic-looking wet dog assuming a sitting position. Rukia stared at the dog. The dog stared at Rukia. If a mutt could look austere, this was it. ByaRuki
1. Stuck in the Rain

A/N: Just so you guys know, the story title is in no way related to the 1975 movie of the same name starring Al Pacino and John Cazale. Good movie, btw. Now that that's out of the way, I have to say that I'm still kinda amazed that I actually followed through on this story. Some months ago, _Dog Day Afternoon_ was a side project that never got beyond that phase until three days ago when I had some free time on my hands. I decided to flesh out the first chapter to see if it had potential, and, well, I hope you enjoy it.

* * *

**Chapter 1- Out in the Cold**

"Kami hates Sereitei" was a phrase heard often these days amongst the enlisted men and women of the Gotei 13. It pertained to the weather lately tormenting the area that came down upon the populace in the form of rain and cold gusts and quite often, a combination of both. Due to the Tenth Division's location within the "dip" of the surrounding terrain, it had flooded quickly, leading Captain Hitsugaya to order the barracks be evacuated before he formed an ice perimeter to keep any more water from entering. Unfortunately, Lieutenant Matsumoto forgot to relay the order.

For the next day, members of the Tenth Division were seen crawling up and then down the twenty-story wall of ice.

In the Thirteenth Division, the lights were burned out due to Lieutenant Kotsubaki and Kotetsu hooking up every plug to a humidifier to keep the Captain's health safe should he desire to venture around the division grounds. The humidity remained and people were soon finding themselves outside in the rain to keep cool.

Sereitei had not seen rain of this nature in decades. The bullets of water falling from the gray sky pelted off the surfaces of a wide variety of objects before breaking apart into several smaller drops of equal dimensions.

One of these objects came in the form of Byakuya Kuchiki.

The man had long given up keeping his head at the usual straight level that it was always in. His head may have currently been acting as a funnel for the rain on it's way to the ground, but he'd be damned if he shivered at the cold penetrating his skin and drilling his bones.

Why was he cold and wet in the first place?

Byakuya had the sudden urge to shake off the water soaking his clothes and weighing him down. In the distance, he spotted a smallish figure with what looked to be an umbrella. He straightened his posture and slowed downed his quickened pace, even if it meant receiving several slaps of water from the curtains of rain falling around him. He'd be damned if an officer of a lower rank lived to see the day Byakuya Kuchiki gave off the impression of appearing cold.

* * *

Rukia had a tendency of shooting off a colorful variety of swear words when she was outside in the cold. Ichigo had commented on this once during a particularly cold Karakura winter and he had received a left hook that would've made a heavy-weight boxer cringe.

_Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it!_

The chattering of her teeth was the only thing preventing Rukia from voicing her thoughts on the weather or Captain Ukitake's decision to send her on an errand that took her clear across Sereitei to see it through. _Shunpo-_ing would lessen the pain, but it would end up destroying her umbrella. Speed walking there would keep her relatively dry... but it would force her to endure the cold for a longer period.

_Fuckshit_.

Rukia tightened her grip on the wooden handle on the umbrella to squeeze out the raw numbness from her fingers.

"Shitfuck," Rukia gave an exasperated sigh when she accidentally stepped on a puddle, leaving both her feet wet. With the sudden gusts of wind that had begun to occur with higher rates of frequency, the possibility of frostbite didn't seem remote. Rukia would wear rain boots, but as she had been told not too long ago, they were simply "not part of a Shinigami's uniform".

Rukia stopped and balanced the umbrella against her shoulder to breathe a few long puffs of hot air on her cupped hands. Finished, she returned to her speed walking.

She sniffed.

By this time, Rukia's socks were caked with mud and there was no feeling in her toes. The sight of the ant-like personages descending the mountain of ice in the distance suddenly lost its' humor.

"Dammit dammit dammit dammit!" She cursed as her teeth chattered, "Making me do this in this ridiculous weather... friggin' Ukitake. That white-haired, bonsai loving, coughing sunnuva-"

She stopped.

In front of her was a small, pathetic looking wet dog assuming a sitting position.

The pup looked as if it had rolled around in a pool of mud and then been blasted by a sudden continuous stream of water that had left behind visible clumps of dirt in its' presumably white fur.

Rukia stared at the dog.

The dog stared at Rukia.

If a mutt could look austere, this was it.

Rukia dropped her umbrella.

"PUPPY!!!" She squealed as she _shunpoed_ towards the dog's position in the middle of the road.

* * *

Rukia was charging at him with no regards to her surroundings, or to the weather.

_Has she gone mad? _Byakuya briefly wondered as his adopted sister grew closer.

And closer.

And bigger.

Much bigger.

_Giant. _Byakuya managed to think in shock before Rukia reached down and scooped him up.

"Awww! What is a cute thing like you doing out here in the cold? Hmmm?"

Byakuya by this point was in complete, utter shock at the sight of Rukia's suddenly large head--

_Her eyes. _He blinked. _They are not violet. _

"You poor thing!"

He had assumed that everything was appearing in shades of gray because of the stormy weather, but there had to be a better explanation.

Byakuya looked down.

_Paws._

Rukia was petting his head.

"You smell like wet dog right now, you cutie, you." She addressed Byakuya like a doting mother, "But I think a quick bath will take of that, don't you?"

_By God. _

…

…

_I am a dog. _A/N: I don't own a dog, so this fic will be a heck of a challenge to write for me. I've come into contact with my aunt's dog and with my cousin's chihuahua, but not often enough to form a comfertable knowldege abut man's best friend. We'll see how this goes. R&R ladies and gents.


	2. What's in a Name?

A/N: I make an effort to try to respond to all the reviews that I get for each chapter as soon as I can, but I was unable to do so for Chapter 01 due to time constraints. But! I promise to respond to all reviews from here on out. Hope you enjoy this chapter... even if it was all written in one sitting because of plot bunnies. :-D

* * *

**Chapter 02- What's in a Name?**

"Soooo... Are you gonna keep the dog?"

Rukia sat in the Officers Lounge dressed in a simple white bathrobe. She cleaned her ears with the loose ends hanging from the towel spiraling atop her head as she pondered Kiyone's question.

"I dunno… nii-sama won't be home for another three months..."

Rukia briefly wondered if the short-haired shinigami had heard her response as she was busy smoothing out the puppy's fur with a brush to keep it from looking like a ball of fluff. The puppy yelped when Kiyone pulled the brush through a tangled knot.

"I can look after it, if you--"

Kiyone was interrupted when Sentarou barged through the Lounge door headed straight for the comfy chair at the center. Crossing the room, he noticed Rukia's state of dress and tripped over the coffee table, effectively shattering it.

* * *

Bykuya didn't like the nosebleed Kotsubaki was sporting on the floor. The man could claim that it resulted from his head banging on the table, but he knew better: the nosebleed had begun the _second _Kotsubaki had laid eyes on his sister. Perhaps it was due to his superior eye sight as a dog or that as Captain, he noticed things that passed under the radar of seated officers, but he wasn't about to take whatever the man said at face value.

Byakuya had seen the stupid grin Kotsubaki had on his face enough times to know what it meant. He had caught Renji often with the expression plastered on his face in the lounge room when the redhead had been too into his questionable "reading material" to notice his Captain come in. Why his Lieutenant would do so in the lounge and not in the bathroom or for that matter, in the privacy of his own room he knew not. Either way, Kotsubaki's nosebleed meant one thing, and one thing only: he liked what he had seen.

"Is that dog glaring at me?" The man asked as he held a cupped hand to his nose.

"Haven't you ever heard of knocking?" Kiyone abandoned her position as Byakuya's groomer to whack Kotsubaki with the hair brush.

"Up yours, Kiyone!" The man yelled with a brand new black eye as he ran outside being chased by a 5 ft. woman.

Byakuya noticed Rukia blinking in amusement at what had just transpired. His sister shrugged and smiled at him as she patted the seat to her left.

"C'mere you cutie, you."

When he didn't obey her, Rukia sighed. It wasn't that Byakuya didn't want to, it simply had to do with the fact that he wasn't used to be called "cute" or "cutie", dog form or not. The last time he had heard the term directed at him, Yoruichi had used it to rile him up for another chase marathon. If he hadn't appreciated the name as a teen, why would he do so now?

"Doggie, c'mere now or I'll name you Chappie."

Given that threat, Bykuya concluded that she intended to keep him. Why name an animal if it is going to be given away? Then again… then again it meant that Rukia planned to keep the dog while he was on a mission.

_She is doing this behind my back_, Byakuya narrowed his eyes.

He blinked. _Technically, Rukia is not, because I am the dog and therefore, I know of her plans_.

"Hey. You. Doggie."

_This presents a problem indeed. _

"Fine. Be that way! I should've let you in the rain for all I care!"

This exclamation brought Byakuya back from contemplating the paradox. He trotted to the couch where Rukia was seated and attempted a climb to the summit.

* * *

"Awww! That's so cuuuute!" Rukia brought both her hands to her mouth to stop herself from gushing further. The sight of a pup struggling to jump the distance from the floor to the couch was enough for even someone like Mayuri Kurotsuchi to squeal "kawaiii!"

_Well, maybe not Kurotsuchi_.

Rukia helped the pup the rest of the way up by grabbing its' midsection and plopping it down next to her.

_Speaking of Kurotsuchi…_

"Hey, you didn't run away from the Twelfth Division, did --?"

Rukia laughed at herself for asking the dog a question as if expecting for it to respond. Now that she thought of it, the dog looked like it had been in the rain for some time before she came upon it. For that matter, Isane, who had been paying her sister a visit, claimed that the dog had a minor cold. She was no veterinarian, but Rukia would take her word for it.

The slight possibility that the dog presently staring at her had been prepped as a guinea pig or worse, as a meal for the Hollow kept in the Twelfth Division subterranean facility sealed the deal on the dog's next home.

Rukia smiled and patted the dog. "I sort of thought my first pet would be a bunny… but you'll do!"

The white puppy was then hugged.

* * *

Byakuya was presently sitting on the floor next to Rukia as she spoke to her Captain seated at his desk. She had set him down the second they had crossed the threshold, thinking that he wanted to sniff the various items decorating the office. But this dog was no ordinary dog: this dog was Byakuya Kuchiki.

Somehow, saying it in that manner was both better and less insulting than the much shorter "Byakuya Kuchiki is a dog". He allowed himself a small chuckle, which came out as a happy bark.

"What have we got here Rukia?" Ukitake asked with a large smile.

"I found him outside," his sister began to explain, "I want to keep it here in the office for the time being." She paused, "With your permission of course. Just until the end of the day when I take it home?"

"What's this?" Ukitake raised an eyebrow, "'_It_'? You haven't named the dog yet?"

Byakuya shook his head. Rukia was clearly seeking not to disappoint her Captain, as she had just been promoted not to long ago to Lieutenant.

"His name's… Ringo-chan!"

_What on Earth…? _

What had Byakuya done to deserve being named after a fruit?

_... and for that matter, why 'chan'?_

* * *

A/N: These chapters are fun to write. R&R ladies and gents!


	3. An Explanation

A/N: A big thanks to all who reviewed in the previous two chapters. I'm happy to see many of you are enjoying this quirky story. I hope you enjoy this one too!

* * *

**Chapter 03**

"Well, at least the name's not as stupid as what Renji named his turtle," Matsumoto yawned as she leaned against Rukia's door frame, "Where's the dog anyway?"

"'Ringo' is not a stupid name!" His sister argued as she put on her shoes, "And you haven't seen him because Ringo-chan fell asleep under my bed."

From his position beneath the bed, Byakuya observed the busty woman motion to the door as Rukia tied up her uniform.

"Hey, we better hurry up. The SWA meeting starts in five minutes…"

Lieutenant Matsumoto antsy about being tardy to a meeting? Byakuya would raise an eyebrow in amusement, but his new body did not allow him to.

" … or else Kiyone's gonna drink all the free sake before we get there."

Byakuya face palmed. Or more accurately, he "face pawed".

* * *

"Don't worry," Rukia assuaged her friend's fears as she joined the taller woman at her door, "Nanao said the meeting would be here in the Kuchiki Estate in the secret conference room."

Matsumoto gave off a sigh of relief, but stopped half way through expelling the remaining air in her lungs. "Did you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

"That!"

"What?"

"It sounded like growling."

"Oh," Rukia turned around to face her bed, "Ringo-chan's probably dreaming."

* * *

Left alone, Byakuya left his location to lie on a pillow Rukia hadn't bothered to place back on her bed. Other than this little mess, her room was nearly as pristine as his own room.

He agreed with Lieutenant Matsumoto in not one, but two things much to his own surprise: one, that 'Ringo' was a stupid name, and two, that is was a better name that what Renji had given his turtle.

_Much better. _

His Lieutenant had some years ago received a turtle from Rukia as a present for his birthday. Byakuya had known of the turtle, but had not seen it until two years ago when the redhead brought it to work unwilling to leave his then ailing pet alone in his apartment.

He noticed that Renji would address the turtle as "Soapie" when he thought his was Captain out of earshot.

Byakuya had felt no desire to ask, but he could only assume that Renji had named his turtle "Soap" due to the creature's soap-like dimensions.

_Sometimes, I wonder how he made Lieutenant. _

But he had a more pressing issue to deliberate at the present moment, namely, how it is that he became a dog in the first place.

* * *

Two days ago:

"_Ah! Hello Captain Kuchiki, please sit down," Ukitake gestured for him to take a seat, "I apologize for the short notice."_

"_How is Rukia handling the demands of her new position?" Byakuya asked in an attempt to start some small talk before the Commander-General addressed the main subject, whatever it was. Perhaps he should have asked a different question, as Ukitake was having some notable difficulty on answering it. _

_Being her older brother meant he expected truth in his evaluation. Being Captain of the Sixth Division meant Rukia would be told later at dinner to improve on anything that sounded even remotely critical._

"_She's been taking the new recruits out to the fields to improve their kidou techniques for the past week." _

_That didn't really reveal much, but it did inform him that Rukia was in a leadership position and if she has been doing it for an entire week, then her instruction must be commendable. _

_Ukitake cleared his throat, signaling that it was time to stop beating around the bush. "Actually, Captain Kuchiki, I've noticed that both your Division and yourself have been working very hard in the year since the war's end."_

_Somehow, that didn't sound like a sign of approval. _

_Ukitake continued, "I believe you are in need of a long vacation, Captain Kuchiki. I know you probably don't agree with this, but let me explain my reasons. First and foremost, you need the rest. Secondly, during your absence, Lieutenant Abarai will take charge of the Sixth Division to provide him with some experience before his promotion."_

_Byakuya knew the potential for resistance on his part was gone the moment the Commander-General had brought someone else into the equation. Renji's appointment to the captaincy of a Division, probably the Eleventh, meant that the Gotei 13 would be that much closer to being fully operational. _

_Byakuya had zero desire to take leave, but if it was of benefit to the whole of Sereitei, so be it. _

"_I have one request, Commander-General."_

"_Yes?" The white-haired man smiled, "What is it Captain?"_

"_If anyone is to inquire about my whereabouts," Byakuya said eyeing the happy Captain, "I am on a mission." _

* * *

It was in moments like these that Byakuya cursed his present body as it did not allow him the liberty of indulging in habits he was accustomed to. For example, he very much would've liked to rub his chin as he contemplated his journey from man to beast.

Instead, he lowered his head to the base of the pillow and covered his snout with a paw. It wasn't the same, but it would do.

…

..

… _I believe I just whimpered_.

Byakuya made a note that because dogs were unable to speak, they naturally relied on physical expressions, thereby meaning that the creatures wore their emotions on their sleeves.

_What a strange idiom. Dogs have no need for sleeves. _

Again, Byakuya was unable to control the whimper than came out as soon as he lamented his lack of long enough fingers with which to pinch his nose. _Of course _the idiom was of no use to dogs: it had been created for humans by humans.

Byakuya made a second note to think over this predicament as soon as he solved the one on the table.

_Now, where was I… _

"You were wondering how you got turned into a dog."

_What…?_

Byakuya removed the paw sitting atop his snout to see Senbonzakura looking down at him from Rukia's bed.

"And you're looking at the answer, you _adorable_ puppy you."

Byakuya growled. _Her… _

"Hey, remember that I can hear your thoughts." The woman wagged a finger at him, "Because you can't talk, that's the only way to communicate with me."

Byakuya went for the ankle.

"Holy shit, Kuchiki!" Senbonzakura pulled her foot up in time, "What's the matter with you?"

* * *

Almost immediately, her anger turned into laughter as she watched the puppy barking uncontrollably at her. If his intent was to appear threatening, then Kuchiki had failed.

The pup then made several swipes at the bed sheets from below to get a firm grip on them so to climb on top to reach his target.

_Big time._

"Well, it wasn't technically me," Senbonzakura said as she calmed her laughter, "But if you want to blame someone, blame Kyouka."

The barking stopped.

"That's right: Kyouka Suigetsu."

Senbonzakura shrugged. "Aizen's dead Kuchiki, not his zanpakuto."

A golden silence followed.

_Finally_, she rolled her eyes, _the mutt shuts his trap,_

_I too, can hear your thoughts, Senbonzakura._

"Whoa. What comes around, goes around, ne?"

Kuchiki said nothing.

The woman sat on the bed Indian style, but not before she reached down to plop the dog on the mattress with her.

_Well? Is this all an illusion then?_

"Nope!"

Kuchiki narrowed his eyes.

"I was the mastermind, Kyouka Suigetsu played a large role, but there were three other individuals involved."

_Am I truly a dog? _

"Nope! You're talking to me, aren't you?"

Senbonzakura could tell Kuchiki was becoming irritated.

_Why?_

"We've all been pretty bored in the realm, Kuchiki." She explained, "Day in and day out, it's Benishidare yapping her mouth going on about one thing or another! And it's not just her! That idiot-"

_Senbonzakura, I ask that you stay on topic._

It was difficult to believe that such a curt command had come from such a lovable creature.

"Kyouka Suigetsu is sorry about what she was forced to do and all." She sighed, "It's the way it goes, 'ya know? We don't choose who our wielders will be…

Anyway, it's was a simple thing, really: if she helped us out on this, we'd take her back into our circle."

_Just like that. _

"Just like that."

There was a silence that took control of the room for the next few minutes. The woman didn't bother hearing Kuchiki's thoughts, as she was too busy fighting off the urge to pet the puppy before her.

_Why me? _He suddenly asked.

"No one likes you."

_...?_

"What I meant to say is: no one else offered up their wielder as guinea pig. But you know me," she said in a fake selfless manner, "I always think of the team, so I offered you. Plus, your fan base in our realm wanted to see you turn into a puppy."

_Die._

No amount of speed would've been sufficient to dodge the bite directed at her hand.

* * *

A/N: I updated this chapter sooner than I thought I would. Lucky for you guys, the plot bunny took up residense in my head for a bit. R&R Ladies and Gents!


	4. Interim: SWA Meeting

A/N: I apologize for such a late update. Working on a costume for a convention last month took up alot of my time. Well, here's the next chapter and I hope you enjoy it!

* * *

**Chapter 04- Interim: SWA Meeting**

"It's settled then. Can I get a motion to move on to the next item on the agenda?"

"Motion to discuss the next item."

"Thank you, Kiyone. We shall now be brainstorming how to undermine the men's association for the upcoming month. I open the floor to debate."

"We could raid their sake stash."

"Or cut their funds."

"We already did that two months ago, remember?"

"Oh right."

"I say we challenge them to a tug-of-war match."

"You've been drinking too much. Now, shut up."

"Up yours."

"Ladies! At ease!"

"Dammit! Who ate all the burritos?"

"Isane did. That's why she's been in the bathroom."

"That long? Daaaamn…."

"Nee-san was very hungry! She didn't get to take her lunch hour today."

"Rukia, your dog looks in pain."

"Hey, it better not throw up on the carpet."

"Ladies, please stay on topic."

"…"

"I motion to leave the men's association alone for this month."

"Can I get arguments for and against? Rukia and Soifon."

"Ummm… we didn't grant them enough funds last month, so they had to go without bath maintenance for the entire time… "

"They're men. They deserve to suffer."

"Wow, captain! What a compelling argument!"

"Quiet on the floor! Can I get a motion to vote?"

"Motion to vote."

"Thank you, Nemu. We are now voting on granting a period of immunity to the men's association from the SWA to last thirty days. Ayes?"

"…"

"Nays?"

"…"

"The 'ayes' have it. This motion is effective at midnight."

Byakuya had attended SWA meetings in the past, but never any like these. For one, the women sitting in a semi-circle on the floor were more casual then when he was around. For example, Matsumoto was lying in the ground with one of her breasts threatening to slip out. Not that he would mind if gravity continued to play its role…

He'd been listening to the meeting for the past hour after his barking had forced the vice-president of the SWA to request Rukia to quiet him. Instead, his sister chose to bring him along. Byakuya thanked the gods that Yachiru was off on a mission with Zaraki in the world of the living.

"Next topic: calendar!"

_What…? _

"The floor is now open to ideas."

"Isn't it too early for that?"

"Yesh. Yesh it is. I agree wi' dat."

"Rangiku, you're slurring."

"Erggghh…."

"Um. What's the set up going to be?"

"Well, I think it would be good to match each captain and lieutenant with their respective month, no?"

"You mean, Captain Unohana with April, Captain Kuchiki in June and so on?"

"Yeah!"

"What do you mean, 'yeah'? Are you crazy!?"

Byakuya wasn't the only one to be stunned at his sister's sudden outburst. Even Matsumoto had to flip over to get a good look at the source of the exclamation. He assumed it stemmed from her division being the Thirteenth and therefore having no month to place Ukitake in.

Byakuya stared at the younger Kotetsu sister for confirmation and saw that she had both her thumbs up. Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed that Matsumoto's breasts were now once again firmly secure in place.

_Foiled again… _

"Kuchiki? Explain."

"Captain Kurotsuchi would have December."

Silence.

He didn't see what was wrong with Kurotsuchi being pictured for the month of December. Nemu Kutosuchi's face provided no clue as it was expressionless.

"Motion to assign Captain Kurotsuchi to February. All for?"

"…"

"All against?"

"…"

"Abstaining?"

"…"

"Motion passes. Captain Kurotsuchi will be Mr. February."

"'Mr. February'?"

"What the hell woman!?"

"Don't say that! Gross!""

"That is an upsetting image…"

Ise adjusted her glasses, clearly peeved. "I apologize for implying that this calendar would be one of _those_ calendars. I was merely attempting to make a joke."

"If you're gonna make a joke, please don't sound so serious."

"Not that any of us would mind of _those_ calendars…"

Another silence took a hold of the room. Byakuya noticed that many of the women were looking upwards with pleased smiles on their faces. Curious to see what was making them so happy, he turned towards the ceiling and saw nothing.

Nothing that would make him smile at least. There sere several lollipops dotting the roof giving it a rainbow like appearance, but clearly, this was not bothering anyone as much as it was bothering him at the moment.

Even Rukia was…

No.

What they were doing…

They wouldn't happen to be fanaticizing, would they?

As if to answer his question, blushes began popping up on each woman's face.

_Soifon? _

_Ise?_

_Kurotsuchi?!_

Byakuya didn't know what was more fascinating, that the Twelfth Division Lieutenant was blushing, or that her father had found it necessary to equip his daughter with blushing capabilities.

He'd be lying if he said he wasn't curious to know who each woman had on their respective minds. Well. The present Kotetsu sister's object of affection was pretty obvious.

…unless he was wrong.

Had he been human, Byakuya would have definitely been rubbing his non-existent beard.

Ise cleared her throat, embarrassed that she had fallen prey to her fantasy.

"There's nudding to be shy 'bout, Nanao," Matsumoto slurred, "We still haff 'da negatives to 'dem nude photographs of Kira and Hisagi, riiight?"

"We have nude photos?!"

"I thought you said they were burned!"

"This is NOT the appropriate moment to be discussing the alleged photographs!"

"But it IS appropriate!"

"Yeah! Since the Third and Ninth Divisions have no Captains, let's use the nudie photos of Kira and Hisagi for the calendar!"

At this point, the room turned into a war zone.

_Kami have mercy on my soul... _

* * *

A/N: R&R Ladies and Gentlemen!


	5. Pool Verdicts

A/N: Updates ought to come by more often now that I'm finished with my midterms and papers. I mentioned this to a reviewer, but I have three other fanfics to worry about in addition to _Dog Day Afternoon_. It ain't all bad: This story has the advantage of being the most fun to write. Lastly, I forgot to do this in the last chapter, but I would like to thank pixiefh for having given me the idea of writing the SWA chapter. Enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter 05- Pool Verdicts**

"Awwww! Look at the puppy, Aiko!"

"What? Where?"

"Right there! On the bench!"

"I still don't- ohmigod! It's sooo cute!"

"What's a dog doing in here?"

"Who cares? Right you _cutie_, you?"

"I think Lieutenant Kuchiki brought it along."

"You don't think she'd mind if I petted it?"

"I don't think so. "

Byakuya braced himself for the hand that would be massaging his head momentarily. He didn't know who this "Aiko" was or who her two friends were, because they were referring to each other by their first names instead of rank and surname.

It was only natural that they do so, as this establishment was meant to be a place of relaxation.

"Is it sleeping?"

"Nah, he'd be lying down if he were."

"Why are his eyes closed, then?"

"How should I know? Do you want me to ask it?"

Byakuya heard laughter and what sounded like some shoving.

"Damn you, Misaki! Give me my towel back!"

Byakuya applied more pressure to his eyelids.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Remi! Does Kento know about that ass tattoo?"

Byakuya, with speed known only to him, very briefly opened his eyes to track his escape path. He left behind the arguing women and found refuge under a bench near the center of the expansive room.

He had a high opinion of his sister. Granted, he did not like her choice of friends, but what kind of person does one have to be to bring a dog along to a bath house? A single-sex bathhouse for that matter?

After the heated argument that took place between the members of the SWA, Lieutenant Ise ended the meeting, signaling that if they did not hurry up, their group appointment at the local bathhouse would be canceled.

From what Byakuya understood, the SWA had monthly group outings that took place after the third meeting of each month. The gatherings were larger than the meetings were, namely, because shinigami interested in joining the organization would come to the outings to get a glimpse of what the life entailed.

When he had been scooped up by Rukia following the meetings' adjournment, he had expected to be returned to her room. Much to his surprise, Byakuya was taken along and fearing that he would get lost in the locker room, Rukia placed him next to the bath's entrance and told him to "stay".

From his new vantage point, Byakuya could hear all the conversations going on at once. Even if he had been the kind of person that would want to do so, Byakuya would have been unable to see the women exiting the pools stark naked because of the mist and vapor.

He was thirsty, now that he thought about it.

In one pool, Lieutenant Matsumoto was telling potential recruits of all the fun the SWA had. Which was ironic, as Lieutenant Ise in the neighboring pool was giving a serious presentation on the many responsibilities the SWA had, such as appropriating funding for other clubs and such. Byakuya wondered how her glasses were not fogging up.

Much to his surprise, it turned out the Kotetsu sisters were the most talkative in the pool he could only describe as the "gossip pool". Namely because that is all the women were doing.

"Yeah, you should stop doing that. He might think you're stalking him."

"I keep telling him to put the toilet seat down, but he won't listen!"

"So, do you think the omega lipstick makes me look like a hooker?"

"Girls, I'm craving some moon pie right now."

"You should've punched that son of a-"

In the fourth pool, Rukia and surprisingly, Soifon, were leading a conversation about anything that was deemed cute. His sister was showing off her Chappie towel and-

_Soifon has a cat tattoo? _

Byakuya shook the thought off. He may have been seeing things, which was plausible with all the mist obstructing his vision.

"I, for one, think he's hot."

"Who's hot?" yelled a woman from Matsumoto's pool.

"Yeah? Who?" yelled another from his sister's area.

It should have come as no surprise to Byakuya that if there was any one topic that could take hold of the entire room, it was the subject on men. From how his gender could be "adorable" one moment and "sonsofbitches" the next. The fairer sex was fascinated with talk involving men.

"Rate game!"

_What?_

That outburst alone quieted the room instantly. Looking at all the women, he could see that they had all gained an attentive demeanor.

"Nanao, you be the moderator!"

Lieutenant Ise looked annoyed that the job had been forced on her, but she took it up nonetheless.

"Alright," she responded as she pushed up her glasses, "I need one speaker to represent each pool to put forth their decision and reasons why. "

Ise cleared her throat and picked a name from a hat Byakuya had no clue where it had come from.

"First man: Tetsuzaemon Iba."

There was murmuring in each of the pools as the women deliberated.

"We vote 6. If he did something about that haircut…"

"5. He probably looks at our tits behind those glasses."

"Aw, c'mon! He's a very nice guy! We give him an 8!"

"6.5. Same. He needs to change that hair cut."

Ise nodded. "Let be known to our fellow sisters not present here today that Tesuzaemon Iba is hereby deemed a '6.4'."

_Women, _Byakuya thought, _can be a very__ harsh species._

Ise reached back into the hat. "Second man… Yumichika Ayasegawa."

More murmurs.

"5. Orange doesn't go well with his uniform."

"8. His knowledge on makeup is very helpful."

"8? Really? The man is a narcissist! We give him a 4."

"8. What I say? The guy is great to have around at parties."

Ise nodded once again at the judgments. "Yumichika Ayasegawa is hereby deemed a '6.3' by the body of women present here today."

Ise reached into the hat for the third time.

"Third man: Izuru Kira."

While the women mulled over the pros and cons of the Lieutenant of the Third Division, Byakuya took the short break to move closer towards the center, where he thought he would be able to hear the best.

"Have you reached a decision?"

There were several nods.

"4. The man needs to be more cheerful."

"6. He needs to do something about that hair…"

"7. Kira's a nice guy. He gets pretty wild when he's drunk."

"9. His poems! Have you read his poems!?"

"It is settled, Izuru Kira is rated a 6.5"

Byakuya rolled his eyes. He thought this would be more interesting, but he'd been proven wrong. Byakuya moved away from his position with the intent to look for a corner to nap in. First, he needed a towel to lie on. Then—

"Fourth man: Byakuya Kuchiki."

He made a "U" turn. Much to his displeasure, his tail was wagging.

"10. We suspect he has a nice ass."

"Nice~."

Once more, Byakuya lamented the lack of joints on his paws with which to pinch his nose to respond to the Matsumoto pool's decision.

"10. The man is very attractive. Is there anything else to say?"

"10. _We love the Sixth/ We love the Sixth/ We want the Head/ To spread our_--"

"Stop right there!" Nanao quickly interjected amidst the whoops and whistles that were filling the room. "What is the origin of this…?"

"Restroom wall. We believe it adequately summarizes the reason behind our rating."

"Fair enough. Next?"

"We gave the Captain a 9.5. The world's luckiest sister here doesn't want to admit her brother is easy on the eye."

"Understandable. We hereby deem Byakuya Kuchiki a 9.9."

Byakuya was shocked, to say the least. If this is what the SWA and SWA-minded women did in a bathhouse, he would hate to see what would happen at next month's outing. On the group calendar next to the exit, the outing had been simply labeled: Tequila Tuesday.

* * *

A/N: I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I had to change the beginning slightly on the second go. R&R Ladies and Gentlemen!


	6. Scouting

A/N: So, it's been a little more then four months since I last updated this story and I'd like to apologize for that. I've been focusing my writing time on another fic instead, since my ideas for that one are more clear. Well, here's the sixth chapter. Hope you enjoy it!

* * *

**Chapter 6- Scouting**

A week. Byakuya had spent the past seven days as a four legged canine and he had no clue when he would get his sight-level back as with his present height, he could only stare at people's shins. After latching on to Senbonzakura's hand and biting down hard enough to result in her flailing her arm about wildly to rid herself of the mutt, Byakuya hadn't heard so much as a whisper from his zanpakuto.

Byakuya hated to admit it, but without Senbonzakura, his situation was a lost cause. Even so, he wasn't about to apologize. After all, _she_ was the one who had started it.

On the bright side, (if it could be truly called that), Byakuya had learned many things about the inner and outer workings of the Gotei 13. After Rukia left in the mornings, Byakuya would leave the Kuchiki grounds through the tunnel network that Yachiru was undoubtedly responsible for. This only lent proof to his growing suspicion that the pink-headed girl had been of mining parentage before her arrival in Soul Society. That, or Yachiru had been raised by a family of gophers before Zaraki had come along.

With his new found freedom, the first thing Byakuya did was examine how the Sixth Division was faring with his Lieutenant in charge. Byakuya had not been in the courtyard five minutes when he caught Renji picking his nose… and then flicking the small speck at an unsuspecting, unranked shinigami. Did the red-headed idiot not realize that he was the "face" of the Division with the captain out on long-term leave? Byakuya would have bitten the Lieutenant, probably hard enough to rid the man of one of his many unsightly tattoos, (it seemed that as a dog, he had little to no control over his emotions), except his plans were foiled when he got kicked aside by tardy Shinigami in a hurry to get through the Division gates.

Byakuya, hurt and battered, trudged away from the large doors and as dogs are apt to do in such situations, looked for a safe corner to lick his wounds. His injuries weren't serious, but he did feel a steady, dull ache beginning to form near his rib cage. Judging by the position of the sun in the sky and the shadow cast by a long pole jutting out of the pavement at the center of the street (four bras waving gently in the wind… he made a note to report this breach of propriety), it was the early afternoon. With this in mind, Byakuya must have huddled in his corner and taken a nap at some point during his recovery.

He realized how far he had strayed from the Sixth Division when he spotted Lieutenant Kira escorting a young woman wearing a medic's backpack to the street corner. Byakuya's ears involuntarily twitched as they focused on the pair's position. He considered himself lucky for being too far away to hear anything audible as he didn't want to make a habit of eavesdropping. Surveillance, on the other hand, was an entirely different matter.

Thus, Byakuya, head down and propped up by crossed paws, observed the blonde and the redhead chatter from a distance. There was some laughter. Some more chatter. A little giggling. After five minutes, Byakuya grew bored and instead shifted his eyes to the four bras strapped to the metal pole fluttering peacefully against the backdrop of the blue sky.

Byakuya's examination of the leopard-print push-up bra was brought to an abrupt close when his ears picked up the sound of a very, very soft landing close to the street corner where the Lieutenant had been with the medic. Byakuya was so surprised by what he found that the hairs on his back rose a little. It appeared that Captain Soifon was doing some spying of her own on Kira and the presently giggling redhead.

As the Captain of the Sixth Division was unable to rub his chin in intrigue due to the lack of long enough fingers and more importantly, a thumb, he instead settled for keeping low to the ground as he crawled closer for a better view. When the medic disappeared with a shunpo leaving behind a chuckling Kira, the short Captain of the Second Division zipped in to where the redhead had been standing a few seconds before.

Byakuya stopped his trek short when he saw the short woman berating the shocked blonde. As a Captain, he approved. How the acting-Captain of the Third Division did not notice the four bras hanging from a pole so close to the barracks was beyond him. But this was no ordinary scolding by a superior, because the subordinate officer talked back.

…

…

… _wait a sec._

…

Soi Fon and Kira.

…

… _a lover's quarrel?_

The idea of the insecure, lanky Lieutenant having a romantic relationship with an unsmiling, authoritative woman like Soi Fon was enough for his mind to blow a fuse.

It might've occurred, actually, as the next thing he knew, Byakuya was in the arms of the blonde Lieutenant brandishing a brand new red hand-print on his left cheek.

Strange.

Byakuya had always thought Soi Fon to be more of a "punching" woman, but at the moment, any further thought spent on the matter was completely irrelevant to the problem at hand. He began barking at the blonde and struggled to escape the man's hold only to be quickly silenced by fingers calmly scratching the back of his ears.

* * *

"Ugh! It's been a looong day!"

"Renji, please don't-"

"Yeah, yeah. I know. Why is your cheek like that, anyway? Did she use Suzumebachi to give you that?"

"… shouldn't you be at the Sixth right now?"'

"They're doing fine. Well? What was it?"

"I'd rather not talk about it."

"C'mon! I mean- wait a sec. Izuru, why do you have a… dog on the couch?"

"I found it in the afternoon."

"And you wonder why the psychotic ninja bitch acts the way she does."

"Renji, please don't call her that. As for the dog, I figure it must have an owner since it was well groomed when I found him. I sent out a notice asking if anyone's missing a dog."

"Huh."

"Yeah."

"…"

"…"

"So, how's the love life? Whoa!"

"See? Even the dog knows you're asking something inappropriate."

"That mutt sure can howl! Oi! You! Shut your trap!"

"…"

"Wow, it stopped."

"It's growling now."

"Well. Whatever. So, I assume she's gonna be calling it quits soon, no?"

"Yeah, I think so. If she doesn't, I probably will."

"Hm. Nah, I think you wont."

"What gives you that idea? I mean, if you don't mind my asking."

"I don't mind. Just that I doubt you'd be willing to give up the, and I quote 'Fantastic sex!'."

"Wha-! I didn't say that!"

"Dammit, mutt! Shut the hell up!"

"I never said that!"

"You did! You did! You ought to know by now not to drink too much! Especially when Matsumoto's around!"

"Matsumoto? Oh, Kami, no... I didn't say anything else, did I? Right?"

"You stupid mutt!"

"Right!"

Byakuya Kuchiki, if necessary, would ram his head into the door in order to escape the hell that was listening to the details of the Second Division Captain's preference of sexual activities. Instead, he ended up leaping onto the sofa, jumping off an armrest, and then making a dive for Renji's hair.

* * *

A/N: R&R ladies and gentlemen! :-D


End file.
